For most parents, dropping a child off at college is bittersweet. For widowed parents, it can feel like another major loss.
On episode 293 of Widow 180: The Podcast, a roundtable discussion, the reality of the situation is put into these words: “If you’re here, you have said goodbye twice, first to your partner, and then to the children who filled your home with noise and laundry and life and love.”
Three widowed parents shared how they’re navigating this season, and their stories show there’s no single right way to do it.
Different Timelines, Same Ache
Cathie, a Minneapolis mom of six, lost her husband in 2021 and has watched a child leave every couple of years since. Ysraelya’s story is even more compressed: she and her husband had just dropped their youngest at college, excited about their empty-nest plans, when he died a month later. Stephen, widowed seven years, raised two kids through grief and COVID and is now “kind of enjoying the empty nest.”
You’re Grieving Different People
One of the most striking insights from this episode came from Ysraelya. “We were grieving different people,” she said. “They were grieving their dad, and I was grieving my husband.”
She also noticed that her kids’ college lives gave them a kind of protection. They were “getting geared up to make this separation from their parents,” and the structure and friendships of campus carried them. While she was “sinking, underwater” at home, they were in what she calls healthy denial: “that’s exactly where they needed to be.”
Being the Strong One
Cathie, who now works full-time while managing a large family mostly alone, was candid about the pressure. “The choice is either things get dropped, or I do everything,” she said. Her solution is to be deliberate: “I’m trying to just be intentional about what gets dropped, when it needs to get dropped, and try to not feel guilty about it.”
Related blog post: “Let Go Of Guilt In Grief” Read it HERE: https://www.widow180.com/resources/let-go-of-guilt-in-grief
Ysraelya found the opposite gift in an empty house. Without kids to be strong for, and facing the full force of early widowhood, she said, “I got to be a mess for a lot of those hours,” and she credits that space with her healing.
Small Routines, Big Rebuilds
When structure disappears, small habits help. Ysraelya’s first steps were simple: make the bed, get dressed, meditate, exercise. “Don’t think, just do it,” she told herself for six months. Cathie’s “Super Fridge” Sunday meal prep keeps her kids fed without adding to her workload.
Stephen mentioned the one thing so many widows have in common after losing a spouse: losing their identity also. He had to figure out what he liked and what was important to him again. outsourced his laundry to a fluff-and-fold service and reclaimed his weekends for pickleball, a choice neighbors reassured him wasn’t a guilty pleasure: “You’re making it work.”
Rediscovering yourself can be awkward, too. Stephen described wandering the grocery store wondering, “What do I like again?” Ysraelya realized some activities she’d loved with her husband weren’t actually hers, so she’s been “throwing spaghetti,” trying new things, and bonding with her kids as all three figure out who they are now.
Be Open & Honest With Kids
Cathie’s advice for anyone anxious about what’s coming: set expectations early. She asks her kids for a weekly FaceTime and gives them permission to reach out anytime. “I wanted to tell them that... you’re important, and if you need me, I am here for you.”
It’s Not Easier, It’s Just Different
Stephen offered a reframe many widowed listeners will recognize. “It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t get easier. But I’ll take different.” His advice: take action as you’re ready. “If I didn’t do something with my grief, it would have done something with me.”
Ysraelya added a reminder to go easy on yourself. “Everything is compounded,” she said, because you’re facing normal life transitions inside a world of grief. You must take care of yourself. “Give yourself grace.”
Related blog post HERE: https://www.widow180.com/resources/10-self-care-ideas-for-those-who-are-grieving
And to parents worried about their kids? She leaves us with this: “They’re going to be okay.”
Empty nesting after loss is not a test you can fail, and there is no deadline for feeling okay about it.
Start by choosing one small thing each week that is purely for you, whether that’s a class, a walk with a friend, or an afternoon with no agenda.
Lean on your community, too, because the people who loved your family can still show up for you and for your kids from a distance.
Keep a standing check-in with your children that works for both of you, and let it be flexible when college life gets busy.
Most of all, remember that missing your kids and being proud of who they’re becoming can live side by side, and you are allowed to feel both.
To listen to episode 293 “Empty Nest and Widowhood: Saying Goodbye Twice (Roundtable Real Stories of Grief, Kids Leaving Home, and Finding Who You Are Next)” click HERE: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2166101/episodes/20076843
