Jennifer Zwinck 4/17/24 Jennifer Zwinck 4/17/24

Loneliness Quotes To Help You Feel Less Alone

woman happy alone and not feeling lonely

Feeling isolated and lonely can be one of the most challenging parts of widowhood. That’s actually putting it lightly, right? It’s not just challenging. Challenging is not being able to open the spaghetti jar. Challenging is finding the right drill bit in a sea of tools that your husband collected. Loneliness is not just a challenge. It is all-encompassing. It’s life-altering. It’s anxiety inducing, triggering, swallow-you-up feeling. This article explores how using the power of quotes can help overcome loneliness.

Feeling Loneliness in the Throes of Grief

I had a widow in one of my groups a couple of years ago. She was talking about the overwhelming loneliness that happened when she would get home from work. She would pull into her driveway and just sit there, sometimes for like 15-20 minutes because she didn’t want to go inside. She couldn’t stand the sound of the empty house. It was keeping her from wanting to go home. Work was a great distraction for her. She really thrived there. But the minute she pulled into her driveway, she said it was like her body shut down.

As widows, we all have moments like this, I think. Maybe it’s a certain time of day that you feel it the most. Like when you’re about to go to sleep, that’s when the loneliness really kicks in for you. I know nighttime is the worst time of day for so many widows and widowers. We dread it. We dread trying to go to sleep. It’s another pattern of our life that’s been disrupted. And nighttime is so quiet. But, it’s the quiet that’s so hard to get used to.

Or here’s another one. Maybe it’s that few moments, first thing in the morning when you wake up, when you wake up thinking that life is normal, that it’s just another regular day. Then 5 seconds later you remember that your husband died and you’re a widow and this is your life now. Your heart sinks and you feel deflated, hurt, and just so damn sad. And alone. This was certainly my experience. My hope is that it’s not the same for you.

I also felt this lonely feeling when I would go on trips. After my husband died, I had turned to travel, in a good way It was a good distraction for me, a healthy coping mechanism, to see other parts of the world, even live in other parts of the world. I talked about this on episode 120 of Widow 180: The Podcast, all about escapism. But, when I would come home from some trip, dragging my suitcases through the front door, usually exhausted but content. It seemed like I was coming off of the high of having some awesome trip or incredible adventure, making new amazing memories. I would be in the best mood. And then I would walk in my front door. My energy would literally fall to the floor. The energy in my body would be sucked out of me immediately. I would walk in, to my house, our house, and stop in the doorway. I would look around, at the pictures of us still up on the walls, with all the furniture the same, everything looked the same as it did when he was there with me. I would suddenly be an empty person. Empty. I’m sure some of you can relate to how that feels.

When coping with loneliness, quotes help

A really good quote always had the power to get me through a really bad day.

Because of that, I wanted to share some of these with you today. These are quotes about loneliness, but they’re actually inspiring quotes, quotes that may help you shift your perspective of how you’re feeling about being alone.

When you read these quotes, you’ll also realize that so many other people in the world are also experiencing this feeling. When you feel lonely, you think you’re the only person in the world that could possibly feel this bad. But you’re not. Lots and lots of other people feel bad too. This is the irony of it. You don’t want other people to feel crappy, but it does make you feel better, or at least comforted to know that other people feel just as crappy as you.

It makes you realize the humanity of this experience.

My hope is that when you read these quotes, they may strike a chord with you, help bring some self-awareness to your situation, and give you something to hold onto during this really difficult time in your life.

Loneliness Quotes to Inspire Resilience

“In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.” -Albert Camus

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” -John Green
"If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.” -Andy Rooney
“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow.” -Janet Fitch
“We can all fight against loneliness by engaging in random acts of kindness.” -Gail Honeyman
“We live in a very tense society. We are pulled apart…and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together. I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude.” -Helen Hayes
“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” -Michel de Montaigne
“Find company within yourself and you’ll never spend a day alone. Find love within yourself and you’ll never have a lonely day.” -Connor Chalfant
“Cultivate solitude and quiet and a few sincere friends, rather than mob merriment, noise, and thousands of nodding acquaintances.” -William Powell
“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” -Oscar Wilde

Quotes On Being Happy Alone

“Be alone, that is the secret of invention; Be alone—that is when ideas are born.” -Nikola Tesla

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” -Maya Angelou
“If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself”. -Paulo Coelho de Souza
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” -Robin Williams
“We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly. Spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order.” -Susan L. Taylor
“I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.” -Audrey Hepburn
“There is nothing outside of yourself. Look within. Everything you want is there. You are that.” -Rumi
“What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be.” -Ellen Burstyn

Quotes on Finding Strength in Solitude

“If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you’ll be living in a world with less fear, isolation, and loneliness.” -Sharon Salzberg
“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they’re big flashing signs that something needs to change.” -Gretchen Rubin
“At the innermost core of loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” - Brendan Behan
“Loneliness is the poverty of self. Solitude is the richness of self.” -May Sarton
“Sometimes you have to stand alone just to make sure you still can.” -Anonymous
“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” - Mandy Hale
“Find company within yourself and you’ll never spend a day alone. Find love within yourself and you’ll never have a lonely day.” - Connor Chalfant
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with.” - Wayne Dyer

I hope you enjoyed these amazing and inspiring quotes. I hope that they can help you find strength and inner peace when you really need it. I hope this also serves as an important reminder that you are not alone.

If you would like more support and guidance with dealing with loneliness, be sure to join us on Sunday April 21, 2024 for the Overcoming Loneliness Workshop for Widows.

This 60-90 minute LIVE Zoom session together will be focused on ways that you can learn to stop feeling lonely. We will follow along in a workbook, doing powerful exercises together in a supportive, nonjudgmental group of like-minded widows who are travelling the same rocky path through grief.

For more information, go to https://www.widow180.com/lonely and sign up today!

Jennifer Zwinck 2/8/24 Jennifer Zwinck 2/8/24

3 Ways To Celebrate Valentine’s Day As A Widow

It is almost Valentine’s Day. I know this can be a struggling time for widows and widowers. If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day, that is totally understandable. What I don’t want to see happen is you, sitting at home, miserable, thinking about this holiday, thinking about happy couples doing romantic things and you’re stuck at home, filled with sadness and hurt.

Let’s not make this a day of suffering.

Instead, let’s think about today as a day to treat yourself.

Here are 3 ways to treat yourself on this Valentine’s Day:

1. Do something you’ve never done before.

Do something out of the box, not your typical Valentine’s Day celebration.

Why?

Because you can.

You can do anything you want today.

Think about that.

What do you want to do? If the thought of sitting around, not doing anything, just thinking about Valentine’s Day and how you’re not with your husband anymore, don’t do that. Get out of the house. Do something that will bring your attention to the present moment so that you’re not pulled back into the past and you’re not worrying about the future.

I’ll give you an example of this, something that I did.

Two years after my husband was killed, I found myself deep in sadness and loss. The second year, oof. That was definitely worse for me, as the numbness had worn off and I was feeling some pretty intense grief resurfacing, especially around Valentine’s days. I said “I can’t be home. I don’t want to be home.” I also didn’t want to be out at a restaurant or anything even for lunch, I didn’t want to see other couples, so any food place was absolutely out of the question.

I made a plan. I got some friends together. There was a group of about 5 of us. We hired a boat and a driver and we went wakeboarding.

If you’re not familiar with wakeboarding, it’s a combination of snowboarding, surfing, and waterskiing. Your feet are strapped to a wakeboard. The boat pulls you, fast, as you try to cross over the wake behind the boat, performing tricks and aerial maneuvers. Now, tricks and aerial maneuvers were not part of my plan!

All I wanted was to stay up, stay standing, and not face-plant on the water. That was my goal. How did I do?

Well, pretty good, I must say.

I actually didn’t faceplant. I stayed up. I was terrified. But I was also having a blast. My friends in the boat were all cheering me on as I went. It was amazing. It was completely different than any way I would have spent a Valentine’s Day and I was so thankful that I did that. I was 100% focused in the moment, trying not to fall, having funIt didn’t feel like Valentine’s Day which is exactly what I wanted!

I got home that day, exhausted, happy, sore muscles and all, not even thinking about the fact that I’m a widow and it was Valentine’s Day.

Do something different.

Get out of the house.

Do something brave. Be a little crazy, even!

Try to have some fun.

Other related resources: https://www.widow180.com/resources/valentine

2. Buy yourself some fresh flowers.

Hear me out, okay! There’s a widow in our community who was telling me that she had chosen her word of the year. Her word for this year was “BLOOM”.

Beautiful, right? She also said that she made a promise to herself that she was going to keep fresh flowers in her house year -round this year to remind herself of her word “bloom” AND because flowers always make her happy.

How lovely!

Treat yourself this week. Not just because fresh flowers are pretty, but that there is science backed evidence that this is good for you. And because I’m such a nerd, I want share some statistics that I read about this, some fun facts that I would like to share about why you should do this.

Because scientific research shows that there are so many benefits of having fresh flowers in your house.

Some of the benefits of fresh flowers are:

They help boost your energy. According to a joint study by Harvard University and Massachusetts General Hospital, having flowers in the home can give you an early morning boost and leave you feeling energized for the rest of the day. Researchers picked participants who confessed they struggled to feel positive or proactive first thing. Yet, after living in a home with fresh flowers, they revealed they felt much more energetic from sunrise to sunset.

Flowers help reduce stress. I know that it’s tempting to reach for a nice glass of wine, but instead, why not try to alleviate all that stress with some strategically positioned vases of flowers instead. According to a 2018 study by the University of North Florida, it only took a few days of having flowers in their home for participants to notice a significant improvement in their stress levels.

The study "The Impact of Flowers on Perceived Stress Among Women" pointed to contact with nature as a key component in helping combat stress. Lead researcher Erin Largo-Wight, Ph.D., shared, "Adding flowers to reduce stress does not require tremendous effort to generate a meaningful effect. When life seems to be in a constant state of frenzy, flowers can provide us with a much-needed moment of calm." Roses and sunflowers are all good for alleviating stress, but jasmine and lavender are the true powerhouse performers. A vase in the bedroom can help lower heart rate and encourage sleep.

Flowers and plants can help purify the air and create a healthier environment. A study carried out by NASA in the late 1980s demonstrated that certain plants and flowers could eradicate common household chemicals from the environment.

And lastly, flowers make you happy!

A pretty flower bouquet with bright colors and a soothing scent can brighten a room and your mood at the same time.

A Rutgers University study found that the link between flowers and your satisfaction with life is far more important than previously thought. In fact, the study said, “The presence of flowers triggers happy emotions, heightens feelings of life satisfaction and affects social behavior in a positive manner far beyond what is normally believed.”

These are some pretty great benefits, that is why I love this idea for so many reasons.

Have a happy, low stress, sleep better, higher energy, smile more, breathe clearer, Valentine’s Day and get yourself some fresh flowers.

Remember this quote by Luther Burbank, “Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food, and medicine for the soul.”

3. Be proud of the person you are today because of the love you shared.

There’s a saying that most of us heard before that goes, “If you experience grief, it means you’ve experienced love.”

Recently I spoke to a widow in one of my groups. We were talking about what our relationships meant to us. She said that she would not have become the person that she did without the love of her husband. Despite the pain, despite watching him lose his life to cancer, despite the hurt she suffered in the last year, she was so thankful for experiencing that love in the first place. What a beautiful way to look at it!

Love shapes us into the person we are. And the thing is, that love still exists!

It lives on and will be with us forever. On Valentine’s Day we can still celebrate that love. We can take some time to acknowledge how the love of your spouse changed you and shaped you into the person you are today.

How did loving and knowing your loved one change you?

How did it mold you into who you are today?

You can take some time with this one. Use this as a journal prompt, grab your notebook and a pen, and start your list of how their love changed you.

This is a beautiful, healing way to connect with your loved one on this special day. Make this a day of focusing on the happy, peaceful, joyful memories. The ones that make you smile. The ones that fill your heart.

These are a few ways for you to treat yourself on this Valentine’s s Day and spend a day celebrating in different ways.

How will you be spending your Valentine’s Day? Do you have any big plans?

If you have any more ideas on how to spend Valentine’s Day, I would love to hear them!

Send them over to me via email at jen@widow180.com and I’ll post them in our Facebook group.

Join our Facebook group, Widow 180 The Community, here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/widow180

FREEBIE: Download the “How To Get Your Life Back Together After Loss: A 10 Step Checklist” HERE and start creating a new and beautiful future!

Jennifer Zwinck 1/17/24 Jennifer Zwinck 1/17/24

It’s All About…Zooming Out! Taking A Bird’s-eye View Of Your Progress

Feeling Stuck In Grief?

I have worked with a lot of widows in the last few years. Something that comes up a lot in conversation is that it’s very common to feel stuck in your grief. We feel like we’re stuck because we are in the cycle of grieving where you feel okay one day and then terrible the next.

You have a good day, then a bad day.

You take one step forward and then two steps back.

You feel forward momentum, but then you get pulled back. We get triggered by an event, a conversation, or a memory and it can ruin our day in an instant.

You’ve heard me say this before, that grief isn’t a straight, linear path. It zigzags. It’s messy. It’s all over the place. It’s exactly how you feel, all over the place. And this is normal.

Widows will often say things like, “Am I going to feel this way forever?”

Or they say, “I thought I should be better by now. I thought things would be different by now. I don’t see how things are getting better for me.”

This is where we have to stop. We have to take a pause and do some digging in to get more of the story.

Because I know how this feels. I’ve been there. When you’re in survival mode and you’re struggling with the day to day, you don’t see your progress. You’re so in the thick of the push and pull, the highs and lows, that you just don’t see the forward progress at all.

Progress In Grief Is Deceitful

I heard this analogy recently and it was talking about a similar situation, but actually with the highs and the lows of the stock market. If you check your investments, if you look at the stock market every day, you will panic. You will freak out because of the inconsistency. But if you zoom out, if you go out to the 20,000 feet aerial view, you will see progress over time. You will see the line going upward. You will see your investments doing better and better over time. It compounds.

This is where your progress in grief can be so deceitful.

You don’t see the upward trajectory.

But you are, in fact, making those baby steps. They are happening.

You are evolving. You are changing.

Marcus Aurelius, emperor of the roman empire and master of Stoicism, would often practice an exercise that is referred to as “taking the view from above”, otherwise known as, “Plato’s view.” It invites us to take a step back, zoom out and see life from a higher vantage point than our own.

This exercise helps us not only focus on ourselves and our own journey and progress, but also helps us to envision our place amongst the billions of people around us, all walking their own unique path in life.

It changes our perspective on a micro-level and a macro-level.

Challenging Negative Thoughts and Self-Talk in Widowhood

There was a widow in one of my programs last year who was struggling with self-doubt and confidence. In the Finding Purpose and Meaning After Loss Program we talk a lot about growth and moving forward.

She said to me, “It’s been a year since my husband died and I haven’t grown at all.”

She was crying and I gently responded , “I think we could challenge that statement.”

I had her give an example of one new thing she had to learn how to do in the last year.

“Manage all of the household bills.” she said.

Hmmmm, I would say that’s growth.

I then asked her, “In this last year, what’s something really uncomfortable you did that you’d never done before, but you did it?”

She said she flew by herself for the first time to go visit her son in another state.

Hmmmm, I would say that’s growth as well.

Sometimes we’re too busy looking to validate our own negative thoughts, that we don’t see our own progress. We let the negative self-talk take the spotlight and not our amazing accomplishments.

Don’t brush those things under the rug!

Learning new things is progress, even if it’s something you never wanted to have to learn how to do.

Celebrate your accomplishments.

Celebrate the new wisdom you are gaining from learning new things.

Acknowledge those actions you’re taking to become more confident as you master your new life, your new normal.

Don’t forget, it’s all about zooming out!

How does the you of today compare to the you of a year ago?

Take a look at things from that perspective!

You’re doing so much better than you think you are!

Keep going!

You got this!

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Jennifer Zwinck 1/10/24 Jennifer Zwinck 1/10/24

Be Happier in 2024 - Focus On These 3 Things!

When we step into a new year, we want to look forward with optimism, with the hope that next year will be better, brighter, happier, than the prior one. We want something to look forward to and to focus on.

How can we make next year better?

How can I feel better in the coming year?

Sometimes, we don’t know where to start with those big, general questions.

So today, I want to present to you 3 things that you can focus on to make your life better in this next year. These can serve as reminders to you, to show you that you can take control of your future. You do have control over creating a life path that you desire, that will bring you joy. So let these three things become a priority for you in this next year, and they may just change your life.

Prioritize Your Own Health and Well-being

The first thing to focus on is your health. I know, I know. This is not mindblowing news to you. You’ve maybe heard this a million times before. But let’s talk about this a little bit. Prioritizing your well-being is a crucial step toward healing. I know this one may sound pretty basic and something we should already know we should be doing. But sometimes we do need a reminder, we need a little nudge to tell us to make our own health a priority.

Maybe you’ve gotten a little off track with your own health since losing your spouse and I just want to say, that’s ok. It really is. It happens.

You lose your spouse and then we lose track of time, you lose yourself as a priority. 3 months go by and you don’t even realize it, and then you think, “God, when is the last time I went to the dentist?”. This is the basic stuff that gets thrown off track. This is a reminder to take care of yourself. When you’re thrown into widowhood, you can expect things to be off. Like sleep and appetite. You’re lethargic, you have insomnia, you may feel nauseous when you think about eating. Those are all normal grief reactions, by the way, so there’s nothing wrong with you.

Maybe you need to focus on moving your body more, going for more walks, stretching, doing yoga, releasing some of the pain through moving your body more. You don’t need to focus on exercise as a means of getting buff or getting a rock solid body, NO! The focus is to use exercise as a means of helping you grieve. It can become a part of your grief recovery and how you process your loss.

Changing your thoughts on exercise makes it easier to get out there and actually do it!

No, you’re not exercising to get a ripped 6 pack. You’re exercising to work out the grief and release some of the pain of your loss. That’s your “why”. This can take your life down a completely different path. When you’re staring at that fork in the road and you have 2 choices, ask yourself “do I sit here on the couch, feeling miserable or do I get myself outside for 30 minutes and go for a walk?”

When we look at our overall picture of health, and we think about the word health, it’s not just meaning physical health. We can change our health in terms of mental and emotional well-being as well. Therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to unpack those big emotions because remember, these are probably emotions, a level of emotions that you’ve never experienced before. It’s hard to know what to do with that.

We can’t be expected to know what to do with all of those emotions!

Talking things out with a professional can give you clarity, can give you peace of mind to help you know that you’re normal. It can help you be a better person by being able to develop coping mechanisms. It can help you be a better version of yourself, a better parent.

Asking for and Accepting Help

The second thing to focus on this year is help. And that can take many many forms. I know when I think back to my first weeks and months of widowhood, one word kept coming back into my mind all the time and that was “simplify”. I wanted to simplify everything. I didn’t just want to, I needed to simplify things for my own sanity. I don’t know if you’re like me, but I’ve always prided myself on being independent, on being self-sufficient. I felt like I was always able to handle whatever life threw at me, you know juggling career and running the household and childcare. But then my husband died, out of the blue, out of nowhere.

Life threw me a curveball that I could not handle. I needed help.

For me, that was getting help with my daughter. I just needed time to take care of the business stuff that needed my attention. I had my parents helping, my brother would come over just so I could make phone calls. I had to get her back in her little daycare center part-time so that I could go to meetings at the bank and attorney office and the insurance company and social security office.

I also needed help with keeping up with my house. My neighbor came over and cut my grass several times, which I was so thankful for.

I needed help understanding the papers I was signing. I needed someone to walk me through the whole process, the legal aspects of what happens when someone dies. I would look at a paper at the attorney’s office and the words looked like jibbersih to me. I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading. Widow brain was happening. My brother in law and my dad stepped in to be my advocates and hold my hand during those stressful first few weeks.

Then there were the other issues in the house that kept coming up. The internet went down. The printer stopped working. Ugh, the tech. I had to get help from one of my good friends. He would come over whenever I needed tech assistance.

One thing I learned about losing a spouse is that you realize how much they did around the house, how much they helped with house stuff. Independence is a strength and you should be proud of yourself for all the things you’re doing, but you can’t do it all. Especially during times of distress.

True strength lies in your ability to be vulnerable.

You might feel hesitant to burden others or feel guilty for needing help, but remember, accepting help, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. You may feel guilt creep in, and when you do, just remind yourself that this is temporary. You are not weak. You are an independent, capable person, you’re just adjusting and trying to get your footing.

In the meantime, get the help you need. If people are offering to help, accept it! Don’t turn it down. Always remember this, people want to help you, they just don’t know what to offer and they don’t know what you need. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Become a master of delegation. The more you delegate, the simpler your life becomes, the less stress you will feel.

Ask yourself, “What could I use help with? What stresses me out that I can delegate, even if just for a temporary amount of time?” Tell yourself, “This isn’t forever. I just need this help right now.” That helps with any guilt that creeps in.

Maybe you need to hire a housekeeper. Maybe you need to ask the neighbor’s son to cut your grass for the next few months. Maybe you need to have your kids in after-care after school 2 days a week just so you can run errands. Maybe you need to take off work early twice a month so you can make time to see your therapist.

Ask yourself “how can I simplify my life?” and see what pops into your head first. What’s the first thing you thought of? Jot it down on paper or in a journal and make it a priority to seek help.

*Related article: https://www.widow180.com/resources/ask

Finding Hope in the Journey of Healing

The third thing to focus on this year is hope.

My favorite definition of hope is this…

Hope is believing with confidence that good things will happen in the future.

If we believe in something with confidence and conviction, it doesn’t feel so unattainable. It doesn’t feel so distant and far away, like you can never reach it.

Hope is also defined as a feeling of desire and expectation that things will go well.

It is an optimistic state of mind that is based on a confident expectation of positive outcomes.

Hope is confidence in the possibility of fulfilling your desires.

I know many of you are struggling with hope. Maybe you just lost your spouse recently and you’re in the throes of grief. You want to look forward to a new year, with new dreams and lots of potential, but at the same time, the past may be pulling you back. You are well aware of the upheaval in your life and still trying to figure out your place in the world and what it all means.

And I also want to ask you and encourage you, no matter what you’re feeling, no matter the high or low you’re in right now, to move forward with hope.

Because what’s the alternative? Hopeless is not a good place to be. I’ve been there. If you don’t have hope any more, you’re giving up. You’re letting your situation and your circumstances dictate your future.

There’s a quote that I love that says “Allow hope to be a force greater than your grief.”

I happen to believe that this belief, this conviction in your heart, can take you so much further than you thought you could go. You just have to believe that you can get there.

Here’s why having hope can completely change our lives:

Hope builds anticipation. Anticipation means excitement and looking forward to something. It’s the always having something to look forward to that keeps you motivated and keeps you moving forward when grief tries to keep you back.
Hope encourages us to change our perspective. It helps us shift the negative mindset to a positive one. It means that you are open to receiving all of the magic that the universe has to offer!
Hope encourages us to live with boldness and confidence. With the conviction that the future is bright and that it CAN be bright again for us.
Hope encourages us to take action. To take the steps we need to take to see that our dreams come true! We take that responsibility to move our lives forward, when we remember our hopes and dreams and make them a priority.
In that same respect, hope encourages us to live with intention. We make choices every day to create the life we desire. When we live with hope in our hearts, we are choosing to move towards positivity and the life we truly want to live.

Let’s start making hope a priority.

Jennifer Zwinck 2/16/23 Jennifer Zwinck 2/16/23

Facing Valentine’s Day As A Widow! - What We Can Do To Make The Day A Little More Bearable!

Today is Valentine’s Day, 2023. It’s one of those days, those milestone days, those holidays that we have to face as widows. For some of you this is your first Valentine’s Day without your spouse. I am thinking of you because I know how hard this can be, especially if this is one of those occasions that you really got into. If your spouse really went all out for Valentine’s Day, this is a hard reminder of what’s missing now. And I’m truly sorry.

My intent for this blog post was to come up with some helpful tips on ways that we can make Valentine’s Day a little more bearable, a little less hurtful.

So I hope this helps in some way. Although I know that this is not ideal and it still stings, right?

The only thing that we truly want is to be with our partner.

The following is a short, but sweet list of strategies to help you get through this Valentine’s Day.

Focus Your Holiday on the Kids

1. Make the focus on the kids. So, of course, this applies if you still have little ones at home. You can make this day a day of LOVE, which it is. We don’t have to focus on romantic love today. We can focus on LOVE in general. The love we have for other people in our lives, other family, our friends.

Making the focus on the kiddos could be something easy like Valentine gift bags that you can make up. You could get them involved and bake Valentine heart-shaped cookies and decorate them. And then maybe bring them to the neighbor or over to grandmaw’s house if they live near you.

You can do other Valentine’s Day crafts. Now, I’m not a super crafty person but you can sure get on Pinterest and go down that rabbit hole together and pick some really fun things to make!

There are so many cute things you can do with the kids! And they would LOVE that time with you. That’s something that they will always remember.

Ignoring The Holiday

2. This year Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday, which honestly is very helpful. I know I’ve told ya’ll this before but when it comes to holidays and milestone days, I’m in the camp of “I don’t even want to know that today is Valentine’s Day”. I just want to keep my head down and get through this day like it’s any other Tuesday and not be slapped in the face with it.

So, here’s a helpful tip that I know I used to do.

Don’t go to the store unless you absolutely have to.

Don’t go to the grocery store. There are too many balloons and flowers and cards being shoved in your face this week. Wait a few days until they take those displays down. I know how hard this is, especially when you go into the store and you see all these other men buying flowers and gifts for their wives or girlfriends.

You then react in one of two ways.

You either get jealous and angry about your crappy situation.

Or you fall headfirst into a pit of despair and heartache. Just don’t do it. Don’t go to Michael’s or Hobby Lobby or Walgreens or anywhere, for that matter! Stay away from those triggering situations because you know that’s what you’re going to see when you go in there!

This year, for me, Valentine’s Day is just like any other Tuesday. The kids still have school. I’ll still be working. The kids still have after school practice, then it’s dinner, then homework, then bath, then bed. It’s just like any other day. Which is good if you’re like me and you just want to get through it.

Do Something Special for Yourself on This Holiday

3. The third strategy you can take this year is to do the complete opposite of #2 and not avoid it at all! Instead treat yourself like a freakin queen!

Schedule a massage or better yet a full day at the spa. Go and get a mani/pedi. This does, of course require a little pre-planning because you can’t always just walk into your favorite spa and get a massage immediately, on-demand, unfortunately.

If you can’t do it on the actual day of Valentine’s Day, maybe you do it next weekend.

Maybe you want to buy yourself some fresh flowers, I for one, love to have fresh flowers in the house. And I just heard a recent statistic that says 15% of women buy flowers for themselves on Valentine’s Day! So go for it!

Buy yourself your favorite dessert or order takeout from your favorite place! Treat yourself kindly. No, better than just kindly. Treat yourself like a queen, my friend.

Have fun. Plan something with friends and go out. Or plan something with friends and have dinner at your house. Whatever it is that makes you happy, do it!

Maybe you take this day to try something completely new to you! If you want to tackle this day with your adventurous side, and really grab life, try something you’ve never done before! Something you would be really proud of yourself for accomplishing. Something that will boost your confidence and your self-esteem on this day that might otherwise make you feel pretty low.

The point of all of these is to take back control of your day! We can’t stop the day from coming. It’s happening whether we like it or not.

But you can have control over your day.

And do this day YOUR way, whatever that looks like! You are not completely powerless here. And this is your reminder that you have that control.

Always.

Ok, I hope you found this to be helpful. These are just a few suggestions on what you can do to get through Valentine’s Day. I would love to hear from you! What did you do today? How was it? How did you spend your Valentine’s day? Let me know. Email me at jen@widow180.com

Did you know Widow 180 has an awesome QUIZ tailored just for you if you are on the fence about dating again? Check this out…It’s the Are You Ready to Date? QUIZ Here’s the link to the QUIZ: widow180.ck.page/datingquiz

Jennifer Zwinck 4/9/22 Jennifer Zwinck 4/9/22

Am I Crazy?? Same Event, Two Contrary Emotions

Am I going crazy??

Do I have some kind of impairment??

What is wrong with me??

NO! You’re not crazy. I promise. You’re grieving. This is normal.

Last Wednesday night we had our weekly Widow Connection Community meeting and we went around to each member to do a check-in, you know, let’s just catch up and see what everybody’s up to and how-are- ya- doin, kinda thing. And it was really pretty awesome!

I asked 2 questions to each member:

1. What’s one thing you really struggled with this week?

And

2. What was something really good that happened this week?

The first member that I called on to share told me that her biggest struggle was that she had gone out of town to see family.

Her cousin had a baby and asked her to be the godmother! This is a good thing! It’s a happy occasion, full of joy and laughter and family and fun, BUT, she said “my husband loved babies and kids and he would have loved to go to the christening and be there this weekend. He would have loved all of it and he would have been so excited to be there. He should have been there too”

She said it was such a struggle with not having him by her side. It’s just like facing the holidays, when we have to face those special family occasions that come up, and attend on our own for the first time.

Then I asked her, “What was something really good that happened this week?”

Her answer was “Well, it was being there and being with my family and holding that baby and being there for the christening.”

Same event…two contrary emotions.

She went on to tell me that she was so proud of herself for flying alone. This was the second time that she had ever flown alone and she was so proud that she did that! That was a really big accomplishment and something scary that she had to push past. But she did it! And that’s amazing!

How many of you have had an experience like this?

Where we feel an onslaught of emotions. It’s a bittersweet occasion where we go from feeling so happy to so sad, from so high to so low, all in the same few minutes of each other.

I’m pretty sure all of us could answer YES.

That’s grief.

And that’s normal.

I call it the “grief monster”. It’s like the grief monster steps in and starts pulling all the little puppet strings and I’m just along for the ride. We feel so out of control.

I remember having a similar experience at my niece’s christening. My niece was born in September 2011. Brent was killed in October of 2011. Her christening was in March. It was a big family occasion and everybody was there. I sat in the church in the middle of the service and started to have a panic attack. I could feel it coming on. I was trying so desperately to keep my you-know-what together and not lose it in the church. I was trying so hard not to cry and to breathe normal. But I just kept thinking “He should be here. He should be here. He should be here. I’m here alone.”

Which I wasn’t, but it felt that way. My brother was sitting next to me and noticed me having a hard time and he held my hand.

Then, a minute later I was happy. I was holding my beautiful baby niece and it was such a beautiful moment and she’s such a little miracle!

What a rollercoaster!

The second lady from our community meeting last week spoke up. We were still going around sharing our struggles and our highlights of the week.

She told me that her biggest struggle for the week was that her husband was always the “outdoorsy” one and that he would always take the kids on the family adventures. Like doing outdoors things and sports, like skiing. And that mom was the “indoorsy” one. She was saying that she didn’t want her kids to miss out.

She didn’t want them to stop doing those things they used to do with their dad.

He used to take them skiing every single weekend. And sometimes it would be day trips where they would get up super early and head up to the mountains and then come back that night. But the thought of doing that stressed her out and having to get out there with all the gear and everything.

BUT, this last weekend, she did it! She got up early on Saturday, drove the kids up there, she even took ski lessons herself! So she felt such a sense of accomplishment that she could do it and she did do it! She said she has small goals of being able to get on the intermediate runs with her kids and being able to keep up!

She said “I know I can’t be mom and dad. I put all of these expectations on myself to do all of it, but I just need to make peace with the fact that I can’t be both. And not to be so hard on myself.”

Again, here’s an example of the same event, with two different emotions attached to it.

Sadness that her husband isn’t the one taking the kids on these adventures and also happiness and a huge sense of pride for stepping outside of her comfort zone and tackling things she was afraid to do before.

Such a rollercoaster!

So for those of you listening and asking “how is that possible that the same moment can be happy and sad? How can I be so devastated and also feel pride?

If that is you, and you’re dealing with this swing of emotions that we go through sometimes minute to minute. And you’re asking, “is this normal? Am I normal? Do I have some kind of impairment? Am I going crazy?”

The answer is No, you’re not going crazy and YES this is all normal. I promise.

I wanted to share those two examples with you today. And I know I have many, MANY more I could share from my own experience, but I just thought it was interesting and an interesting insight from last week’s meeting that the same event, the same moment can be a struggle AND a joy!

Well played, grief monster. Well played.

If you have had an experience like this one, I would love to hear about it!

Email me at jen@widow180.com

Haven’t joined our Facebook group yet? Here’s the link to sign up: https://www.facebook.com/groups/312036956454927

Other ways Widow 180 can help support you:

Check out our latest YouTube videos: Go to Widow 180: The Channel:

https://youtu.be/QIj9Vdn9Nzo

https://youtu.be/LqdatkjtQzQ

Jennifer Zwinck 2/24/22 Jennifer Zwinck 2/24/22

The NUMBER 1 Reason Why Widows Don’t Date Again After Losing Their Spouse!

There are definitely a few different reasons for this, but the NUMBER 1 reason why widows don’t date again is…self-sabotage!

That’s right!

WE are the reason why we hold back from getting into a new relationship.

There are a couple of popular ways that we self-sabotage so this blog post is going to talk about those and how we can stop this behavior!

Here’s what happens when we self-sabotage:

Self-sabotage occurs when we deliberately hinder our own success. It emanates from negative mindsets.

Self sabotage is a way that we react to our emotions.

Self sabotage is misunderstood in that we think we have no control over it, like it’s something that is just happening to us by us, but we can’t do anything about it. But in fact, you DO have control over self-sabotage, once you recognize that’s what’s happening.

When we self sabotage, we interfere with our own goals. We are the ones stopping ourselves from getting the things or the results that we want.

Is this you? Does this sound familiar?

Let’s start by you asking yourself some questions:

Do you feel like you’re self-sabotaging?

Do you feel free when you think about making choices or do you feel suppressed or constricted in some way?

Do you feel like you’ve taken some risks in your new life or do you continue to play it safe, …staying right where you are?

I want you to think about the life that you want you and the love that you want in your life in finding a new partner. When we start to imagine this life and this new person, and we start to envision what we want, we create this vision of a future life. And we start to get excited about that new goal. And the feeling that we’ll feel of joy and happiness and love and excitement when we get into a new relationship.

And when we self-sabotage, we interfere with the completion of that goal.

This is something that we all go through! As humans, we self-sabotage.

We tend to do this kind of behavior when our goal involves us doing something that’s uncomfortable.

And, let’s be honest, when we’re talking about dating again after losing our spouse, that whole idea, that whole big picture is so overwhelming it sends most people running and hiding and curled up in a fetal position somewhere not wanting to come out. Ever.

Dating can be overwhelming. Dating = uncomfortable.

Dating involves us being extremely vulnerable. And extremely open and honest with a new person in our life.

So, are you a person that is considering dating and thinking about it, and the thought keeps popping up in your head, but you’re not taking any action to see it through?

If so, why not? What’s stopping you?

This is the act of becoming self-aware. This is the act of paying attention to what feelings come up when you think about dating.

Are they feelings of dread? Are they feelings of fear? Like a fear of failure? Like what if people see me “trying” to date and I’m not successful at it? Then what? Then you just don’t even try in the first place. So you stay inactive. You stay stuck because of your fear of failure or because of what other people think.

You wonder “What will other people say about me?”

We let our fear of what others think of us, stop us from going after what we want.

Let me say that again so it sinks in.

We allow our own fear of what other people think of us, stop us from getting what we want in life.

We do that. To ourselves.

Another thing I see a lot of with the widows that I talk to is the thought they have that they are not worthy of having love in their life again.

We feel insecure and exposed.

Because when we lose our spouse, we oftentimes lose our self-esteem too. We just lost our biggest cheerleader, you know. We lost the person that loved us unconditionally, for who we were inside and out, the person who complimented us and lifted us and loved us. We were so lucky to have that.

And now we’re out in the world and feeling vulnerable and asking ourselves, “Is anybody gonna even want me?’ or “Who’s gonna want me now?”

We paint a picture of ourselves that is not all that kind.

And we allow those feelings to of unworthiness to stop us from trying. We lack the confidence to move forward with what we pursue.

We give up before we even start!

Because we get so down on ourselves.

So, again, this is where awareness needs to come into the picture. We need to recognize when those feelings start to creep in, how do we stop them? It’s the feeling of being out of alignment. The feeling of being constricted because we feel like we don’t have the freedom to go after what we want.

So, How do we change the feelings.?

How do we change those thoughts that we have about ourselves?

This is really the first step in overcoming self-sabotage is becoming aware of what we’re feeling and learn how to process those emotions. And to have an understating that we’re feeling the way we do because we’re doing something uncomfortable. And we don’t like being uncomfortable.

But then also understanding that by being uncomfortable, we ultimately get what we want, right?! We succeed! We reach that goal of a new relationship. We have love in our life again!

We get out of our comfort zone and we ultimately get what we want.

We overcome the feeling of being judged by others. We overcome the feeling of not being worthy.

How do we do that? How do we overcome?

By believing that we are worthy.

Whenever there is a goal that we want to reach, there is work involved. In one way or another. When we don’t want to put in the work to reach that goal, we hide away, we sit idle, we stay where we are, and we procrastinate.

So, the sooner we get out of our own way, the sooner we get what we want! And we need to honor what we want and not ignore it or push it to the side!

We need to get out of our own way!

There really is nothing stopping you, but you!

Ok if you wanna dig a little deeper and unpack this dating thing a little more, I encourage you to take the QUIZ…Are You Ready To Date?

Take the QUIZ here:

https://widow180.ck.page/datingquiz

Need some extra dating help?

We have the #1 Dating Course For Widows And Widowers Looking To Find Love Again After Loss?

This is a truly unique, self-paced online course to help you with the ins and outs of modern dating! I encourage you to take a look! Click here for details:

https://www.widow180.com/courses

Email me if you have any questions at all! It’s jen@widow180.com.

Jennifer Zwinck 1/13/22 Jennifer Zwinck 1/13/22

Is Year 2 Of Widowhood Harder Than Year 1? Here Are 4 Different Answers To The Same Question!

In a recent Widow Connection Community meeting, one of our members raised her hand to ask a question.

“I read it and I hear it a lot from other widows that year 2 is harder.

And I’m like NO! Is that true?”, she asked.

In this article, you will find 4 different answers to the same question from 4 different widows at different stages of grief. One at 2 years, one at 4 years, one in the first year, and me at 10 years. Each with a different perspective, each with such valuable advice, I felt compelled to share it with you today.

The first response was from a member who raised her hand and said:

“Well, the first year for me was a lot of cloudy and bracing against date and getting through it and asking myself “How am I gonna get through this?” and “How am I gonna get through this?” and then dealing with it.

Each milestone was different. And then you tell yourself “Whew, you made it through a year and check that box, now you know you can do it.”

And the second year anniversary I still have issues on the days it’s just showing up different and I’m bracing for the day and then I get through it and it’s not so bad. The realization comes to you the SECOND year, like “This is it. He’s not coming back. This is forever now.”

And in the second year I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to have a relationship with him still. I know I can’t have him here physically. But we are facing a life without them. So in the second year I’m figuring out what that new relationship with him looks like.

So, year 1 was so much of panic and scrambling and trying to brace for those dates and occasions and “How am I going to manage this?”

Getting into year 2 and 3, I’m in a different place now and investing more energy into finding a way to still have a relationship with him.

So, is year 2 harder? It’s just different. It’s like leveling up at a game, you move up to the next level after completing the first. Now you have this new level of challenges. And other things to focus your attention on and work through. It’s not harder, it’s just different because it’s a new set of challenges.”

Next, another widow of 4 years raised her hand to speak. Here’s what she said:

“I would not want to set anybody up with an expectation that one year is harder than the next year. Because the first year is ungodly. It is so miserably gut-wrenching horrible and if somebody said to me “Oh my gosh I heard that year 2 is worse!” I mean we shouldn’t put those thoughts out there.

It is really different and we’re all going through our own grief in our own way in their own time and you are constantly learning and adjusting, adapting. Reality is hitting you, sometimes in big doses. Sometimes smaller doses. And you’re dealing with it. And it’s constant.

It’s been 4 years for me. Each year has it’s own challenges and they’re different challenges.

My mindset is one that “I need to and want to still keep living. My life is still here. And I have always wanted to make the best of every day. So, that’s my orientation.”

I would never want to set somebody up with an expectation that it’s worse and you’re going to be in for something worse than what you’re feeling now. I just don’t believe that. It’s all about your mindset and how you want to move forward, truly. Have hope each year. Have hope that you’re moving forward. That’s what I would say.”

I’ve been a widow for 10 years. And this is what I added about my experience:

“I had heard that too. The second year is harder! Just wait!

It was not for me.

The first year is gut-wrenching pain. My whole first year was nothing but pain, anxiety, fear, despair…any word like that that you can think of…that was my first year. The second year for me, the pain lessened. The first year, in those first few months, I was in a blur and numb and crying all the time and in pain. But year 2 was not like that for me. The pain lessened. Year 1, I was grasping onto my old life and I wanted that old life so badly and I wanted to go back and I’m holding onto that previous life with everything in me because that’s what I want and I can’t have it!

And that was the other word for my first year…frustrating…because I can’t fix it. I can’t fix what happened.

The second year was when the reality hits that “ok this is not going to get fixed. This is real. I cannot go back to what I had.” So, year 2 for me was figuring out what to do next. Year 2 was asking myself what my life was going to be like and trying to make a plan for the future, and living more day to day, to get through it all. With less pain than year 1.

The meltdown days were further apart. Crying less.”

And lastly, another widow spoke up and said:

“How much you grieve and how much you do the work, as opposed to avoid it, impacts the next year.

So if you avoid all of year 1, year 2 is probably totally going to suck! Because its’ gonna catch up to you eventually. You can’t avoid it forever. If you make yourself too busy. Or you really don’t have the time in your life and schedule to give yourself the room to grieve, you will have to face it sooner or later. And that may be year 2 for you. And THAT may make it worse.”

There were 2 really valuable things I took away from this meeting:

1. What I loved seeing happen in this group was the contribution from all of these women with all of their experiences, sharing what they went through, comforting someone who was having a really hard time. Sharing the wisdom of what they went through to help relieve someone else’s worry and pain.

I loved that this conversation happened, that this member was willing to be vulnerable and ask her question, and we were able to come together and offer some advice from our own perspectives. I love that we have each other there to ask these types of questions and get some help if we need it. I feel like this type of community is so important for healing. It really does make so much of a difference.

2. We hear these things all the time. The “timeline theories” about grief. The expectations of what you SHOULD or should not feel like at a certain point after losing your spouse.

I wish we didn’t have to hear these things because then that puts that thought in your head and then you’re focused on that. We think “Oh God year 2 is coming! It’s gonna worse! That’s what they all say!!”

So then the thought is in your head. And you’ve heard that saying that says “What you focus on becomes your reality.” What you choose to focus on becomes your reality.” So, it’s hard to UN-think a thought. It’s like you can’t un-see something. You’ve already seen it. Well, you’ve heard that year 2 is harder. But it doesn’t have to be NOR is that everybody’s reality. Here are 3 examples in our member discussion that show otherwise. None of us thought that year 2 was harder.

So, when you hear these “expectations”, take them for what they are at a surface level…that was SOMEBODY’S experience, that doesn’t have to be mine!

I can choose to look for hope in my second year.

I can choose find a way to incorporate my loved one into my life with out them being here.

I can choose to start making a plan for what my new life will look like and what I want my new life to be.

I would like to invite you all to join our new community!

The Widow Connection Community

Where we’ll be having conversations and discussions like this every single Wednesday night at 7 pm EST.

You can sign up and join anytime at www.widow180.com/membership.

Also, be sure to check out our latest Widow 180 podcast episodes that come out weekly!

Here’s the latest episode:

https://widow180.libsyn.com/95-how-to-carry-on-after-loss-an-interview-with-jenny-stultz

Widow 180: The Channel has weekly YouTube posts as well!

Here’s the latest video clip:

https://youtu.be/adNTcG3BXac

Jennifer Zwinck 12/7/21 Jennifer Zwinck 12/7/21

3 Ways To Combat Holiday Overwhelm!

When we’re overwhelmed it means our thoughts are directed by something that’s causing us anxiety.

Most of the time it’s the feeling of being pulled into a multiple directions at the same time.

Life moves forward and grief pulls us back.

A million thoughts are running through our heads at once. We’re constantly pulled in all different directions and there’s honestly not a lot of time to pause.

We don’t slow down.

We don’t stop.

Here are a few ways we can combat overwhelm in our lives this time of year:

1. Be in the present moment.

We don’t notice the moment we’re in because we’re so worried about what comes next. We only see a future that highlights the absence of our partner. We only see that everything has changed and the picture of our life is not what it used to be. In that future picture, we only see what we’re missing.

We’re worried about the past and the memories that flood our minds. We had a life that we loved that we can no longer have without our partner. The memories pull us back.

If you think about mindfulness and living in the present, think of it as taking out a flashlight and intentionally shining it on one spot. Ignore the rest.

Ignore everything that’s going on around that beam of light.

All of that other stuff is still there, but your attention is not on it. Let all of the other stuff go, just for a moment and come back to this moment. You will feel a calm come over you. You’ll notice it feels good to just be here.

There’s a peace and serenity that comes in that stillness.

So, be sure to give yourself some time. Give yourself a moment for YOU.

Pause.

Set a timer if you have to. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to. Take 10 minutes to yourself. It’s so important give that gift to yourself this Christmas.

2. Think about the FEELING of the end result and stay there in THAT feeling.

When we’re overwhelmed, we’re lost in the thought of all of the things that have to be done.

It’s going from point A to point B and seeing the million steps between those two points and feeling the worry and the stress and the anxiety.

But imagine if you’ve already done all of the steps. You did it all and you jumped to the end. How great does that feel? Think about how THAT end result feeling, being there and done feels, and STOP there!

Break down that BIG picture into smaller steps.

Like taking one bite at a time of your food. For example, if you say, “By the end of the month I need to have this done. By the end of the week, I need to have THIS done. What can I do today to move the needle forward and get closer to that goal?”

I know for a lot of widows we just want to skip right over the holidays. We want it all to be over and done with.

We feel like we have this long list of obligations. Parties to attend. Cookies to bake.

Well, what happens when we think about the holidays being over? How does that make you feel?

What feeling does that give you to think about getting through it?

Does it feel like relief? Does it feel more relaxed?

If that end result of getting past Christmas and New Year’s makes the stress seem to melt away, then stick with that thought in your head and stay there.

Stay with that feeling of peace that you’ve already made it past the holidays.

3. Ask yourself: “What type of support do I need to help me with this feeling of overwhelm?”

“What type of support do I need to relieve that stress/fear/frustration?”

I know when I think about it, JUST the simple thought of thinking about what could help me or who in my life could help me, immediately makes me feel lighter! I feel relief in my body. My muscles aren’t as tense. Just thinking about it, helps!

It’s knowing that there is a way out of this feeling. That I’m not stuck in it forever.

For example, let’s say that one of the things that stresses you out this year is buying gifts for the family.

Your head’s not in it.

Your heart’s not in it.

The holidays are a time for joy and cheer and you are not there.

Maybe you still have small children at home and you feel like presents must be under the tree on Christmas morning. Enlist a friend or other family member to help out.

Ask.

You have to ask for the help.

The other people in your life don’t always know exactly what you need or what you’re capable of. Ask someone in your family to help get the things done. Have them help you form a list, form a plan, and do what needs to be done.

For more discussions on surviving the holidays,

join our Facebook Group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/312036956454927

The Widow’s Holiday Guidebook: 45 Days Of Self-Reflection, Self-Compassion, And Self-Care

is available to DOWNLOAD!

The book is designed to walk you through the last 45 days of the year. It’s filled with activities, journal prompts, exercises, tips, and advice on how to get through the holidays.

Go to:

www.widow180.com/books

Jennifer Zwinck 9/18/21 Jennifer Zwinck 9/18/21

Important Advice To Anyone Dating A Widow!

Over the past few months, Widow 180 has received numerous emails from listeners with questions about dating a widow.

Let’s face it, the dynamic of dating a widow DOES involve a different level of emotions, sometimes heightened emotions that someone who is not familiar with grief has to learn to navigate.

Doug and I recently received an email from a listener who had just started dating a widow. His email said this:

“I have this PESKY feeling of jealousy and insecurity…where do I put that? I feel “funny” listening to stories about “the good old times”. I think to myself, “That’s really where she would rather be.”

He used the word “PESKY” which is a fantastic word to describe what he’s feeling because it’s not something he WANTS to feel, he just can’t help it!

Here was Doug’s response:

“The topic of feeling insecure because you made a decision to not be with your ex but she did not make that decision is one I am personally familiar with and need to think more about because it’s come up in my mind and I haven’t addressed it as actively or effectively as I could yet. I’ve felt this from time to time and where I usually land is that she made a decision prior to me because our timing wasn’t aligned. It’s not that she chose someone else over me. Instead she chose someone else before being able to choose me. Similarly, I chose someone else before being able to choose her. So it’s a bit of a spin on the situation with a focus on the positive.”

Read that again:

It’s not that she chose someone else OVER me. Instead she chose someone else BEFORE being able to choose me.

It boils down to this…

It all comes down to timing.

So much of life is about timing. And alignment.

To any man (or woman) out there who is struggling with any jealousy or insecurity, please remember this:

That was the person they chose at THAT time in their life because they hadn’t met you yet! Because they didn’t know YOU yet!

Here’s one more thing I wanted to add to Doug’s answer, to address this listener:

This woman, this person that you’re dating now, decided to be with YOU. If a widow has decided to be with YOU, let me tell you, that means you are pretty damn special!

I’ll tell you why.

It’s because when we’ve been through a loss like we have, it’s not something that we ever want to go through again. That pain. That hurt that we felt. When we walk a grief path like that in our lives, we build up these walls around us to protect ourselves. We need to feel safe. Shutting ourselves off from other people and new love keeps us safe. Being alone keeps us safe and makes us feel in control. So, if YOU are the guy who comes along into her life and SHE LETS YOU IN, that says a helluva lot about YOU!

Because she’s not going to do that for any Joe Schmo rando guy off the street. No. She picked YOU!

After everything she’s been through and witnessed and experienced with grief up to this point, she picked YOU to be vulnerable with!

She chose YOU to walk through life with!

That says so much about you.

Remember that when you feel any doubt creeping in.

And to all of the widows out there:

If you’re struggling with the whole idea of dating again and finding it to be, well, overwhelming, I want to help!