What Are The ‘Widow Rules’? (And What Happens If We Break ‘Em?)
Suddenly and unexpectedly, I became a widow in 2011.
Naturally, I felt like I had lost my mind. I immediately sought help from a local widow’s group, seeking answers to all of my unanswerable questions.
In our meetings, I was, of course, given advice, which I was, of course, desperate to hear.
I had no idea how to be a widow. Who does?!
The recurring piece of advice I kept hearing over and over again was this: Don’t make any BIG decisions in the first year. Give yourself some time to think about things first.
Sound advice, right?
But does that really work for every widow?
And then I noticed that I was making up some rules for myself in this new role of widowhood, based on things I had seen from, of all things, old movies. Like, widows wear only black. Period. Widows shouldn’t laugh. Ever.
So, what are all of the “Widow Rules”, self-imposed and not?
Here they are in no particular order:
~ Don’t buy anything extravagant (But Do go ahead and spoil yourself, honey! You deserve it after all you’ve been through.)
~Don’t give away any of his stuff. You’ll want to keep those for the memories. (But Don’t keep too much of his stuff because that will bring up too many memories.)
~Don’t try to outrun grief (But do try to stay busy, you know? Distractions are a good thing.)
~Don’t you dare wear anything but black (But you don’t want to wear black all the time, do you? You might scare people.)
~ Don’t be too sad. You’ll make people uncomfortable.
~Don’t be too happy. You’ll make people uncomfortable.
~ Don’t talk about him too much (But maybe only mention him sporadically, so people don’t think you’ve forgotten about him already.)
~ Don’t you dare even THINK about dating for at least a year. (That’s a good time frame for everyone else to be comfortable, right?)
~ Don’t laugh or smile too much. (Ok. You can laugh at other people’s jokes, because it would be rude if you didn’t. But don’t even think about cracking a joke. NOTHING is funny right now,)
~ Don’t be too social. You should stay home and be sad always and forever. (But you do deserve a night out and a break from grief, so, go for it! Get out and have some fun!)
~ Don’t quit your job. Or get a new job. And, for God’s sake, don’t cry at your job (where you spend 8 hours a day.)
So, there it is.
The magic list of widow rules you need to follow.
You good? You know what to do now, right? You are now fully prepared to master this widow thing!
Obviously, these rules are ridiculous. And yet, we hear them all the time.
So, what is a widow to do?
Here’s the simple answer: You do whatever it is you want and need to do in order to feel complete again.
For me, the answer was to escape for a while. Three months after Brent was killed, I moved to a small island in the Caribbean, with nothing but 4 suitcases and my daughter. I didn’t know a single person on the island. And it was perfect.
The decisions I made were not logical. It was pure intuition. Something I had never put so much trust in before, but now, it was my guide.
I knew what I needed, for myself, in that moment, in that particular season I was going through. I needed to escape the chaos and the noise back home. I needed the peace and serenity of the sunny skies and ocean breezes to help me heal.
Did I break the cardinal rule of widowhood and make a big change that first year?
Hell, yeah.
And it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
3 years on that island and multiple years of reflection have taught me this:
Do what makes you happy, despite what others think.
Do what brings you peace and comfort.
Follow your heart. Only you know what you need to survive this.
Make your own damn rules.
For further discussion on following your intuition, be sure to listen to Episode 44 of Widow 180: The Podcast with guest Melissa Pierce.
