Does 911 ever not answer?
Picture this scenario.
You have an emergency.
A health crisis.
Or your kitchen is on fire.
Or someone is trying to break into your home.
You grab the phone, shaking, and frantically call 911.
Then you’re put on hold. And you wait. And you wait. Not just a few seconds. It seems like a lifetime goes by before you finally talk to a live person.
This scenario happens way more often than you think.
Petra Gordon came home to find her husband on the floor of his office. She tells us “I called 911. I was put on hold. Which I never even thought you could be put on hold for 911. I didn’t get a real person on the phone for a good 60 seconds. So, then I finally got a live person who told me to do CPR and told me how to do the compressions on my husband.”
According to the National Emergency Number Association, a trade association for the 911 industry, 90 percent of calls are answered within 10 seconds and 95 percent within 20 seconds.
But, depending on the location, these stats can be skewed.
The reality of the 911 system is definitely something that needs an explanation.
There are a few reasons why your call may not be answered right away:
1. Dispatchers cost money.
Where does that money come from? They could be funded publicly or privately. But like any other business that is operating under a budget, it is a balancing act and the number of employees must be taken into consideration.
2. If the call was made from a cellphone, which most calls these days are, that could delay the processing and the call may need to be re-routed.
Honestly, how many people actually have a landline anymore?
So, here’s what happens. When you call 911 from a landline, the call is more easily tracked to your address. When you call from a cellphone, the dispatcher gets very little location information. The center gets the location of the cellphone tower your phone hits. In order to get your true location, call takers are forced to gather more information. That takes up call processing time. The longer that takes, the less available they are to take other calls coming in.
3. Every dispatch center is different.
Some centers in larger cities have greater needs than small town centers, where the dispatcher my be multitasking and handling multiple responsibilities at the same time. The dispatcher may be talking to the caller and talking on the radio channel as well, trying to reach firefighters and EMT to get them to the location of the emergency.
What can you do?
First and foremost, don’t hang up! If you hang up, the dispatcher has to call you back. It’s called an “abandoned call”. They have to follow up and try to reach you, which prolongs the processing time, keeping you on the phone longer and blocking other calls coming in.
Also, and I hate to say this, but you can’t rely completely on 911 to rescue you.
Be sure to have your local police department’s direct phone number on hand in case 911 is jammed with other calls.
It’s scary to think that our most important lifeline isn’t always there when we need it. It’s important to be aware that this is a possibility.
And maybe become CPR certified just in case. It certainly wouldn’t hurt.
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Collect Money From A Lost Life Insurance Policy
Every year, at least $1 BILLION in life insurance benefits go unclaimed because the beneficiaries simply don’t know that the policy exists. The average unclaimed benefit is $2,000 but some payouts reach the hundreds of thousands.
If your spouse has passed away, don’t expect the insurance company to come a knockin’ on your door. The California state controller found that, in some cases, when the premium payments stopped after policyholders died, insurers often used the policies’ cash value to continue payments until the cash was depleted.
“What? No! How could they?!”, you ask.
Yes, they do that kinda stuff.
So, if you suspect your spouse had a policy naming you as a beneficiary but you’re not sure how to go about finding it, read on for some tips and resources that can help you search.
1. Search personal records.
Lets’ start here because this is the easiest place to start.
If the person has died recently, start by checking the will and estate papers if you have access to it, of course. You can also check files for policy info, look for records of premium payments, or bills from insurance companies. Review recent income tax returns that show interest income for life insurance policies. Contact the deceased’s employer or labor union to check for policies you may not know about.
2. Search for Unclaimed Property
If your spouse died more than two years ago, benefits may have been turned over to the unclaimed property office of the state where the policy was purchased.
Go to www.missingmoney.com, a website of the National Association of Unclaimed Property Administrators to search records from 38 states.
Also go to www.Unclaimed.org to find links to all state programs that will allow you to do a free search online. If your name produces a hit, you will have to provide all necessary documentation, including a death certificate.
3. Policy-Locator Service
The National Association of Insurance Commissioners (NAIC), an insurance regulatory support organization, recently created a national policy locator service.
This is great news because it takes the guesswork out of it and makes it easy for us!
And we like easy, right?!
So, here’s what you do.
Go to www.Content.NAIC.org and click on Life Insurance Policy Locator under Consumers at the bottom of the Home Page.
The NAIC will then ask its 463 member insurance companies to search records for any policies in the name of the deceased. If any are found, the insurer will contact you within 90 days.
4. Beware of scams!
Unfortunately, there are very bad people in this world who will try their darndest to take advantage of you.
Don’t let them.
Here’s what they do. They call or email you or contact you in some way, shape, or form and offer to reunite you with any unclaimed property. They charge you an up-front fee of, say, $500 or more. Don’t fall for this!
The real agency does not charge you anything, though some private agencies DO legally mine unclaimed assets and charge you a percentage, payable only if the property is found.
If you have successfully found any lost benefits, we want to know how you did it!
Email me at jen@widow180.com
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Your car insurance company is charging you a “widow’s penalty”
Yes. You read that right.
When your husband passed away, you no doubt took on the grueling task of changing bank accounts, cancelling credit cards, cancelling gym memberships, and the like. Imagine your shock and horror when, after reporting the death of your husband to your car insurance company, you see your car insurance premium being INCREASED instead of reduced.
And not by a small amount either! On average, you will see a 14% increase! Some widows have seen as much as a 200% increase!
Wait, what?
There’s one less driver and one less car on the road.
What gives?
The shameful and short explanation for the “widow penalty” is this: Unmarried drivers are, allegedly, statistically riskier drivers.
I know what you’re thinking.
Why are you being clumped into the same category as, say, a Fast and Furious obsessed teenage boy with a tricked out ride who is also “single”?
Another short explanation: The insurance companies can do what they want and make their own rules.
But here’s where it gets tricky.
These rate differences due to ‘single’ status are not the only reason auto premiums change when a spouse dies. If a couple is on the same policy, their insurance costs are determined by their combined driving records. If one spouse dies, the premium will change to reflect the risk of the driver remaining on the policy. If that driver has a better driving record then maybe the premium goes down. But not likely. If that driver has a worse driving record with more accident claims, the premium will go up even more.
Also, if your insurance is bundled, say life and auto, families usually get a discount. If one of those policies goes away, like a life insurance payout after a spouse dies, that discount may go away as well.
The bottom line is: You have to make changes to your auto insurance policy, therefore your rates will change.
And no thanks to this ‘widow’s penalty’, don’t be shocked to see your bill go up.
What can you do about it?
At the time of this writing, State Farm is the ONLY insurance company that does not consider marital status when setting premiums.
So, your options are:
Say buh-bye to your current car insurance carrier. Switch to State Farm.
or
COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN to your current insurance company. Don’t hold back! Be that annoying customer!
Call them out on this BS and see if they will be flexible with you and keep your lower rate.
As they should.
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The 5 types of support you need during your grief recovery
Let’s just begin by stating the obvious, because we have all witnessed and encountered this in some way. Most, if not all people are uncomfortable dealing with a grieving person. They have NO IDEA what to say to you. They don’t know how to act or how to react to seeing another person, someone that they love dearly, be so vulnerable and open with their feelings. It makes THEM nervous and anxious and they don’t like how THEY feel around you, so they pull away.
They leave us alone.
They withdraw from an uncomfortable situation by not calling and checking in. They think they are doing us a favor by leaving us alone to “get back to our normal selves” and giving us time to “get over it”. They bail on us.
So when the people around us who we love and rely on the most start to retreat from our lives and our children’s lives, we feel like WE then have to change in order to keep them around. They like us when we are okay. They like us when we are happy. So, what do we do? We put on a fake smile. We SAY we’re okay. We SAY we’re doing better. When deep down to our core we are LOST.
We are broken.
We are scared.
We have to act ok and put on a show just to keep the people we love around. And when we do this, we are not being true to ourselves. We are pushing aside our true feelings. We start to become isolated just so that we can be our true selves, which for an indefinite period of time, is miserable. We stay alone so that we can grieve alone and not be judged or rushed by anyone.
But the fact of the matter is, you cannot grieve alone, my dear sweet friends. In order to heal properly, you need support. You need to be able to express your feelings fully and without judgment in order to heal, otherwise we remain stuck in our grief. You need to find your people. You need to find your tribe.
So let’s go over the first type of support you will need:
#1. An advocate. A person who is there to support you in any and every way. A person who is there to act on your behalf. Because, Lord knows, your brain has had the shock and trauma of a lifetime and your poor, overwhelmed brain is in no position to make the important decisions it is being asked to at this time. The person who took this role for me was my brother- in -law, Will. While I was curled up in bed crying nonstop, he was on the phone with the insurance company, the bank, the endless list of people who needed to know what had happened.
#2. A cheerleader/ a champion/ a pick-me-up-when-I-am-down friend who always says the right thing in the right way at the right time. This is the person in your life that you can rely on to cheer you up. To lift you up when you are down. To tell you that you are good enough. To tell you that you are a strong person. To not only encourage you to survive, but to thrive. They motivate you and encourage you and listen without judgment. They make you laugh….God knows how, but they do.
The next person you need is, well, we’ll just call this person….
#3. the accountant. This person keeps you in check. They keep you accountable. And they watch over everything from making sure that you are eating at least once a day, to making sure your mortgage is getting paid. They may not write the checks for you, but they are there to remind you to do it. Did you feed the kids? Did you feed the dog? Maybe they encourage you to shower?? Maybe not, depending on what kind of day you’re having. My rule of thumb is this….if it needs oxygen to survive, it’s priority. Everything else can wait. Really. You may or may not need so much help, but they are there and double checking just to be sure you and your kids are okay.
#4. A mentor or a coach or a therapist. This is someone who is there to act as your guide. You are travelling down a bumpy road, someplace you’ve never been before and you need a roadmap or a tourguide to help you maneuver through the landmines that you may encounter along the way. This may be a professional licensed therapist. This may be a life coach for widows. This may be another widow who is further down the path than you, with more wisdom and more experience to share what she’s learned along the way.
And then the last type of support you need, but the one I found the most helpful to me, is
#5. A community./ your tribe/your go-to peeps. Never underestimate the power of solidarity. Having a community makes us feel accepted and understood. And I feel like one of the most important parts of grief recovery is to have our feelings validated by others who are sharing the same experience that we are. They share the struggles, the fears, the worries.
And sometimes we just need to validate our feelings because these are feelings we’ve never had to deal with before. Like, one day I want all my friends over because I don’t want to be alone, but later that same day I WISH everyone would just leave me alone. It’s an up and down mind game that can make you feel like you’re going insane. But Grief is a shared human experience. This is what helps us get through it.
This could be a local grief support group that meets every month. Like the one I found the week after Brent was killed. I felt like I was losing my mind and I just needed somebody to talk to who understood how I was feeling. I heard about this group from a friend of mine at the funeral when she came up to me and said, “You really should talk to my friend Cherie. Her husband died a couple of years ago. She might be able to help you.” So I got her number and I called her the next day and she told me that this support group was meeting the next evening and that she couldn’t go, but if I wanted to go she would let them know I was coming. Everyone was supposed to bring something like appetizer or wine or something.
I remember driving on the way there and suddenly remembering I was supposed to bring something because of course I forgot. So I ran into Walgreens and grabbed a little box of doughnut holes and showed up at this ladies house just bawling crying before she even opened the door. That night I met some incredible girls who changed my life, who became life long friends, who brought me back from the depths of grief, really. When I left that house that night, I can’t even describe the feeling, but it was SUCH relief. Like weights were lifted off of my body. Like, I could breathe deep breaths again, not just shallow frenetic breaths like I was having a panic attack.
I didn’t feel alone anymore. I had found my people. I hope that you can find a local group to meet with regularly in your area. But if you can’t, another place to find support is to join a Facebook Support Group.
We have our Facebook Group called Widow 180 Community.
We would love to have you! We are here for each other! I don’t want you to feel alone and you’re not alone. There’s our whole community there to ask questions and vent and cry to and scream and rant. And it’s all okay!
You can find me on Instagram too @widow_180
Or email me: Jen@widow180.com
The 5 sure signs that it’s time to see a therapist
Widows experiencing immense grief may need to look for these 5 signs that it’s time to see a therapist.
There are many signs that can be present that would lead a widow to believe that she needs to seek therapy from a professional. Considering these signs, I would always encourage a widow to seek therapy soon after the death of their partner.
In the beginning you may feel like you’re handling things well and feel like therapy may be too overwhelming. I would seek therapy anyway even if it is only to check in monthly and build a trusting relationship with a therapist. I say this because at some point the shock WILL wear off and the bottom WILL drop and having a developing therapeutic relationship will be a lifesaver.
All that being said, LOOK FOR THESE SURE SIGNS THAT YOU NEED HELP:
1. If you have any feelings of wanting to harm yourself or someone else, you need to seek help immediately by calling a loved one or suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). This one is obvious, but sometimes we are so far into our grief that we just can’t see any way out of it.
2. Feelings of being out of control. If you have tried to do things to better yourself or help the depression or relieve the anxiety, but NOTHING is working. Then it’s a sign you need some extra help.
3. Your emotions are preventing you from doing everyday tasks. Whether at home or school or work or anywhere really, are you having significant difficulty doing regular activities? Maybe you can’t concentrate. Or maybe it’s that everything overwhelms you. Or you’ve been avoiding co-workers or friends. If this behavior continues for weeks, it’s time to get help.
4. Volatile emotions, mood swings, abuse of substances. If you are trying to control your mood swings with things such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, even food or gambling. Self-medicating is NOT the answer.
5. Unhealthy expressions of emotions. Especially if we turn the anger to loved ones or someone else in our lives. Making someone else feel bad is not going to make you feel better in the end.
Please keep in mind that this is based on my experience as a widow and a therapist. You need to assess your own situation and what is best for you. Also, you may not have horribly intense feelings and still want to reach out for help.
Many people feel relief from simply talking to someone that can be objective and nonjudgmental. Talk therapy can do wonders for some, whereas others may respond better to different forms of therapy. Just remember that everyone’s story is unique and there is no right or wrong, just different.
~ Christine Dusang